Chronologically disadvantaged
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| Scaryduck |
RUBBER. I imagine you just had an involuntary mental image of a gimp mask. Or a ball gag. Or a woman in thigh-high boots contemplatively stroking a cat o'nine tails while straddling your prone body. That is because you are a pervert. You couldn't just think of something innocuous like a tyre or a cheerily-waving Michelin man? Go and wash out your mindbrain, sicko. Ahem. Anyway. Lucy has a new fixation with rubber. Unfortunately for me, the rubber she has chosen to fixate on is of the bog-standard band variety. Specifically the red rubber bands that suddenly seem to be littering our streets. In a way I blame myself for this current obsession, as it was me that pointed out the phenomenon in the first place. Picture the scene - Late and Lucy, somewhat hungover from the Bottle Shop's monthly wine-tasting/riotous piss-up, are wobbling up to the Swan for a quiet Sunday hair-of-the-dog. Me: (pointing) Jeez, that's the fifth red rubber band I've seen in the last hundred yards. Lucy: What? Me: Those rubber bands. They're everywhere. It's as if we're being carpet-bombed by the stationery supplies department of Viking Direct. Lucy: Poor thing, it looks so forsaken lying there. (She stoops to pick it up) Maybe I'll start a home for abandoned rubber bands. And she was as good as her word. Now we can't walk more than a few yards without her spotting a rubber band. You'll be mid-conversation with her and she'll suddenly dive towards a likely specimen that is lying in the gutter, on the pavement, even in the middle of the road. It is most disconcerting (especially for any oncoming traffic). However, as with all of Lucy's eccentricities, the best way of dealing with them is just to go with the flow and join in. Thus, today I was on my way back to the Bottle Shop with some coffees from Giannone's when I spotted a lonely elastic band nestled between an empty can of Export and a crisp packet. I scooped it up, and later presented it to my ladyfriend as a token of my love. She looked at it critically, then tossed it in the bin. I was somewhat taken aback by this. Me: Whatever happened to your Home for Abandoned Bands? Lucy: That's only for red rubber bands. That (here she gestured binwards) was tan. Me: You're discriminating against it on the basis of colour? Isn't that rather racialist? Lucy: It's important that they're red. They also have to be virgin. Me: Virgin? Lucy: Yes. Clean, unbroken, unattached to anything. I don't want to just randomly collect any old rubber band - that's the sort of thing a crazy person would do. And she laughed a little condescending laugh. "Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha." Just like that. I'm lucky I didn't bite off my own tongue. The Bottle Shop recommendation for today: Les Douze 2003 (France). Spicy and full-bodied. And RED. Because any other colour would be just crazy. £6.49
Banding together
28.9.05 15:57
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(28.9.05 16:05) Silly late. Any fule no dat. (Whereas I have a huge - HUGE - collection of the only-used-once large tan rubber bands that the lads put around my post here at the office. Hundreds of 'em. Soon to be orphaned, of course.) Ahem. |
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(28.9.05 16:07) Maybe you should scatter them around the streets of London with gay abandon. |
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(28.9.05 16:36) We have a large collection of spare red rubber bands in Barnes. The posties dump them. |
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(28.9.05 16:46) Oh. That is something of a let-down. I prefer the idea of some sort of philanthropic stationer, spreading his rubber largesse across the capital. |
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(28.9.05 17:04) Hold onto that dream true believer. Have you ever considered that you might be able to channel these energies to your advantage somehow. I'll admit I'm stumped on exactly what you'd need to do but it's a thought. |
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(29.9.05 10:30) Sainsburys bundle up the asparagus with purple rubber bands. |
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(29.9.05 10:42) That's just showing off. |
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Snag (29.9.05 10:50) The poshos. Having just read about how to cook a giant squid, I couldn't help but picture Lucy's rubber bands dipped in a light batter and then deep fried. Mmm, calamari. |
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snag (29.9.05 10:52) oops, forgot to close me tags. |
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(29.9.05 10:55) Kate - for god's sake, don't let Lucy hear about that. Pog - Sainsbury's are trying to be the new Waitrose. I blame the fat-tongued one. Snag - mmm, deep-fried rubbery goodness. However, I think she's aiming to make a giant ball out of them. She's always wanted to be in the Guinness Book of Records. |
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(29.9.05 12:02) bland - think of it this way...Lucy's discriminatory choice of bands means that it will likely take her twice as long as expected to make that 8ft wide rubber band ball. That gives you more time to enjoy your flat's open areas, and also prolongs her enjoyment of the process. You both win! |
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(30.9.05 14:49) Bless her heart! She sounds lovely, if a little crazy. |
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(30.9.05 15:10) Kate - I have the orangey-red ones off Asda's bundles of Asparagus. They were indispensable until Nick introduced me to Clippits. |
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(30.9.05 22:38) It appears the population of 20six have a fondness for asparagus. Or they are yet to realise the rubber bands can be bought seperately... |
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(2.10.05 15:50) how weird is that? i wear a red rubber band around my wrist all the time. so do 2 of my best friends. we are weird and possibly suffering from some kind of mental health issue. but still. |
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Snag (3.10.05 12:57) That sounds like cut-price Kaballah to me. |
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luealp@yahoo.com / Website (16.6.06 11:37) How 'd you got rid of spam? Max |